And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?" The shop owner says, "2000 dollars" The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?" Shop owner says, "Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something." The lady asks the parrot - "Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?" The parrot says - "I think you're a cum-hungry whore, bitch!" The lady is offended and says, "No way am I taking such a potty-mouth parrot." The shop owner intervenes with "Lady, please give me 10 minutes and I will ensure Mickey behaves." The shop owner then takes the parrot to the back of the store, brings out a pale of water, dunks Mickey in and asks "Are you going to fucking swear again?" Mickey says, "Sure as fuck I will, you piece of shit!" The shop owner then gets another bucket full of ice water, dunks Mickey in for 15 seconds and says, "How about now, fuckwit?" Mickey goes, "I have learned my lesson, master. Please don't ever do that to me again. I shall be civil for the rest of my days." The shop owner then brings Mickey back out and tells the lady, "I have cured him. You can test." The lady then says, "Mickey, what will you say if I come home with a man?" Mickey says, "That you have come home with your husband." The lady asks again, "And what if I come home with two men?" Mickey says, "That you are having a family dinner with your husband and your brother." The lady then asks, "And what if I come home with three men?" Mickey says, "Bro you better fetch that bucket of ice-water, I told you the bitch is a fucking whore."
Satan is already waiting for him. 'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take. 'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush. Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while. 'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.' Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer. 'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.' So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says: 'Ah, that I could endure!' 'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states: 'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.' 'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree' affirms the priest. 'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?' 'Anything, father.' 'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering if I could see yours.' 'Well... under these circumstances, I don't see anything bad in it...' The nun undresses and the priests was content, commenting on their beauty: 'Sister, do you mind if I touch them?' She agrees, so the priest feels them up for several minutes. 'Father, may I ask you something?' 'Certainly!' 'I haven't seen a penis. Can I see yours?' 'I think it would be alright' responds the priest, lifting his robe. 'Oh, father, can I touch it?' The priest agrees and after a few minutes of fondling he finds himself with a pretty serious erection. 'You know, sister, if I introduce my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is this true, father?!' 'Yes, it is, sister.' 'Oh, father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in that camel so we can get the fuck out of here!'
an old man received a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!" He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!" He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked. "WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good," she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I asked for- an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
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